www.OLTAV.com
The game Ooh look, there's a Volkswagen (or OLTAV, as it is affectionately and acronymically known), was invented sometime in 1995 or 1996 as a more civilised version of Punch Bugs. These are the official rules. A summary of the required sayings is as follows:
Official rules for "Ooh look, there's a Volkswagen!"
(hereafter referred to as OLTAV)
These rules apply as of their date of publication, and if anyone wants to be technical and say that me printing them out is not publication then they apply as of now. (So just obey them).
These rules apply for the rest of time or until there are no more Volkswagens left on Earth, whichever comes first, or until a revised edition of these rules is designed, which will be dated 1996.09 or later, and anyone who has knowledge of these rules is obliged to play OLTAV and play it properly. If any of the articles in this document require translation or itemisation then you probably failed year nine English, and you may contact Karl - wherever he may be - and it will be explained to you at his own leisure. Disobeying any of the rules set out here is punishable as a rule (for those of you who want to be particular about the usage of the word 'law').
Section I - The Game
Article I - OLTAV is played by every single person in a group whenever a Volkswagen comes into sight. All members of the group and possibly those nearby as well are required to participate and to play properly and fairly. No violence or other non-permissible or un-nice behaviours are permitted unless directed at someone who refuses to partake in the fun.
Article II - The game MUST be played whenever a Volkswagen nomes into view. It may be a previously used Volkswagen only if it has been out of sight of all members of the group for at least 20 (twenty) seconds. Failure to play the game will lead to judgement as set out in Section IV Article II and subsequent punishment as set out in Section IV Article III.
Section II - The Rules
Article I - The person who is number one, that is the one who saw the Volkswagen first MUST say "Ooh look, there's a Volkswagen!” This must be done without making any stupid faces or whining and saying "Do I have to" or anything like that. The person must respond enthusiastically, or in a manner which pleases Karl.
Article II - The person who is number two comes directly after the person who is number one. He or She MUST say "Hey, Yeah, so there is!” This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner.
Article III - The person who is number three comes directly after the person who is number two. He or She MUST say "Yes, I agree.” This must also be cone in an enthusiastic manner.
Article IV - The person who is number four comes directly after the person who is number three. He or She MUST say "Yes". This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner.
Article V - The person who is number five comes directly after the person who is number four. He or She MUST say "Grrrrrrrrr!” This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner. Note that there are 9 (nine) r's in "Grrrrrrrrr!”
Article VI - The person who is number six comes directly after the person who is number five. He or She MUST say "D'oh!” This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner. Note that careful observation of Homer J. Simpson will help in this response.
Article VII - The person who is number seven comes directly after the person who is number six. He or She MUST say "WooHoo!” This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner. Note that Homer J. Simpson should also be observed at length to perfect this response.
Article VIII - The person who is number eight comes directly after the person who is number seven. He or She MUST say something which is totally unrelated to the topic of Volkswagens or any related fields. This response cannot be related to any current conversations either. Political issues are a useful, if boring, tool in this response, however overuse of this stipulation will result in the banning of such topics. This response, though it is recommended that one does it in an enthusiastic manner, may be accentuated as appropriate. Note that responses which are not in the spirit of OLTAV or detrimental to either the said game or the subject of the game (i.e. Volkswagens) will draw a punishment as per Section IV Article IV.
Article IX - The person who is number nine comes directly after the person who is number eight. He or She MUST do a short song and dance. It may be a non-existent tune and movement; however it must be at least a little out of the ordinary. That is, just walking along normally is not considered to be a dance. This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner, unless it is a slow dance (e.g. Waltz).
Article X - Anyone following this must do whatever the first person (the one who originally sighted the Volkswagen and said the first line of the game) says. This may be an embarrassing activity or line. However, for obvious reasons (but for the more stupid of you it is because it is unreasonable to ask them to go to the Moon or touch a cloud), the sky IS the limit. The task or line should be achievable by a mortal and within a reasonable timeframe. This must also be done in an enthusiastic manner and without unnecessary questions. In the event of the first person being indecisive or unable to think of something, then persons 2 through 9 may design these responses and decide on them through a ballot.
Article XI - The ONLY* exception to these responses is in the case of Neill being number 3 (three) or 4 (four). If this situation arises, a response of "Yeah, right" will be accepted from him, because it is rather funny anyway.
Article XII - Each response MUST follow the other within a reasonably time period. It must take no longer than it takes for the most impatient person in the group to become slightly annoyed.
Article XIII - In the event of a person not obeying these rules, they must be subjected to one of the punishments outlined in Section IV.
Article XIV - In the even of a dispute as to who comes in what order, a rock, scissors, paper competition will be held. The effect of Karl participating in one of these competitions negates the possibility of anyone else winning against him.
Article XV - If an error is made in the delivery of a response, it may be re-stated or it will be deemed a failure to respond.
Article XVI - The number of responses given must be the same as the number of people in the group. For example, if there are three people in a group, the first three responses must be given. If there is only a single person they are obligated to give the first response.
Article XVII - The first two people in a group need to see the Volkswagen for the game to be played. However a group of one may play the group if they so desire.
* - Karl may decide to make up other exceptions so be prepared for this word not to take on its literal meaning.
Section IV - Judgement and Punishment
Article I - OLTAV was designed to be more harmonious with the forces of nature than its rather primitive predecessor: "Punch Bugs". For this reason it is very probably that those who do not comply with the rules will be risking their souls and their livelihood by angering the powers which we as yet do not understand. (i.e. It's bad karma not to participate). Therefore they shall almost certainly face a rather less just judgement than that set out below and subsequent punishment for eternity by the lord of darkness himself.
Article II - In the event of a person or persons refusing to play OLTAV, and being verified by at least one person that they have failed to take part, (this is known as the "judgement"), they must be subjected to either one of the punishments outlined in Article III of this section or a punishment endorsed by the person who originally saw the Volkswagen. The most popular punishment among the rule-abiding players will be used.
Article III - Punishments:
Article IV - Repeated non-playment of the game will result in the non-participating person being taken up before the OLTAV Committee for judgement and punishment. The OLTAV Committee is composed of Karl, Phil and Liam. The OLTAV Committee is empowered to take whatever measures are necessary to persuade a non-participator to realise the error of his or her ways.
Article V - In the event that the OLTAV Committee cannot be fully convened, a third person can be temporarily appointed to the committee in place of the absent member. At least two members of the original OLTAV Committee must be present in order for such a committee to convene.